Navigating the Children Debate at Weddings with Love and Grace
The everlasting debate on children at weddings continues to cause rifts, year after year. I sat down with a fellow Wedding Planner, who is also a mother that understands both angles, and I’m eager to share what I learned. Thanks Amber of Refine for Wedding Planners for sharing your insight!
Photo by Bethany Barton Photography
JPEC: How do you feel about children at weddings?
Amber: As both a mother and a wedding planner, I find myself having mixed feelings about this topic.
Honestly, we can’t deny how adorable it is to see a little boy twirling his momma around the dance floor, and a little girl spinning in her dress is definitely the cutest!
However, deep down, I believe that a wedding should be an adults-only affair.
JPEC: And why is that?
Amber: Let's face it, unsupervised little ones dashing onto the dance floor during the couple’s first romantic dance is far from cute. I've actually witnessed it happen before, and oh my goodness, the chaos that ensued! Like I said, not cute. One time I discovered a tiny handprint on the side of a wedding cake. Thank goodness they didn’t knock it over completely! I’ve also found a toddler playing in a creek. I have so many stories!
JPEC: So where were their parents? Why does that happen?
Amber: It’s honestly pretty easy to lose sight of your child in a large gathering, no matter how hard you try to keep tabs on them. When I’m in a room of people I know and trust, I might leave them with my sister, who then gets asked to dance and leaves them with grandma who didn’t realize she was then on duty and on it goes! Everyone assumes someone has them, when no one has them! Add all the alcohol, and catching up with friends, and it just happens really fast. That being said, it's not the responsibility of any vendor to supervise or manage children. Nor is it safe - you may know your guests, but do you know their plus ones? Have all staff been background checked? Are you in a hotel ballroom where a stranger can walk in and take a child? Moreover, many venues pose potential hazards for little ones with terrain, animals, nearby streets and so on. It's a really big deal! I cannot bear the thought of any harm befalling a child, especially on such a special day as someone's wedding. It would undoubtedly dampen the entire celebration.
JPEC: Have you ever taken your children to a wedding?
Amber: When my son was 2 or 3 and my daughter was a baby, we got a little wild and went for it. I thought it would be so cute to dance with my little boy, but he just thought the ceremony was the best time to start chatting and singing songs, very loudly! Fortunately, I was in the back so I could slip out, but I sadly missed my friends sharing such an important moment that I came to witness and support.
Dinner was smackdab during witching hour, so the baby got fussy! The venue was challenging to navigate with a stroller and it actually fell down a flight of stairs. I’ll never forget my husband diving for it because he thought the baby was in it. Fortunately, I was holding her, but one of them could have been seriously injured. Eventually, we had to leave. The only silver lining was capturing a cute photo from the photo booth props. But let me be clear, that photo would deceive you into thinking it was a pleasant night. In reality, our generous friend had spent a significant amount of money to include us, only for us to bail prior to maximizing their investment. It was definitely not the right thing to do.
I've learned my lesson as a parent.
Photo by McKenna Rhyne Photography
JPEC: As a parent, what do you think about couples offering childcare?
Amber: I’m always grateful for this option assuming they have vetted the sitters well. But some parents may be apprehensive about this, as everyone has their own vetting process. At the end of the day, all a couple can do is their best - and offering it is so kind and helpful, especially for out of town guests.
But as a planner, I still don’t think it’s always the best option! It can be a numbers game. I once had a wedding with childcare for 12 children. With their parents, this totalled 34 of the 92 people invited to the wedding. When a third of the guests left early, it changed the energy and dynamic. People notice and things naturally start to wind down. Couples assume their friends will keep the energy going, but that’s not always the case because again, energy is often a numbers game no matter the age or dance preferences.
All things considered, I firmly believe that children at weddings should be limited to the roles of flower children and ring bearers. Weddings are meant for wining, dining, dancing and catching up with friends and family! They are not the ideal setting for wiggly or grumpy little ones with early bedtime needs.
JPEC: What do you think is the best solution?
Amber: I think it’s best to only invite the children of family members that you would like to be in family photos, and have them come for photos prior to the ceremony! This requires a first look, so if not wanting to do a first look, only invite them to the ceremony so they can be in photos afterwards. I did not do a first look for our wedding 13 years ago, I was very committed to the traditional moment of walking down the aisle and seeing my husband for the first time, but having witnessed over a hundred first looks, they are immensely more intimate and special! I would opt for a first look over and over again if given a redo. If at the ceremony, communicate to the parents that they will need to sit in the back and excuse themselves should the children make noise. Once the ceremony concludes, arrange for a babysitter to take them back home or to the hotel. Don't fret over what other guests may think. It's not their place to scrutinize whether a child is present while theirs wasn't invited. Firstly, it's none of their business, and secondly, they will soon realize that the kids in attendance are part of the family.
JPEC: How do you suggest going about gracefully excluding children from the wedding?
Amber: When sending out invitations, refrain from including the children's names or the phrase "and family." Clearly state on your wedding website that your special day is an adults-only event. And if you opt to offer childcare, ensure that the information is widely shared.
JPEC: And what if this is causing a rift between important members of the family?
Amber: I think it’s important to remember that excluding children isn’t personal. There is a true safety component here. Weddings are very expensive as well, and I’ve seen children cause red wine to spill all down a wedding dress, among other things, that are costly!
Though, I do think it’s important to communicate gently, and remain objective, while considering the emotions of all involved so you can at least know where they are coming from. Timing matters too! I was mentoring a bride recently who’s sister has a 9 month old and is insisting the baby comes. The wedding is not for another year, there is no need for this conversation right now. This is her first child, and she is attached and tired, of course she wants that baby to come. She’s traveling and it’s challenging to not bring the baby. But soon enough, she’ll have a better understanding of how strong she is, and how much she truly is capable of doing. Also, this couple doesn’t have children, making it impossible to fully understand what this mom might need. Grace upon grace is needed from everyone!
I encourage couples to maintain their confidence throughout the process and remember that as a parent, I made the choice to have children and I understand that comes with lifestyle changes. I can’t do everything I once could do! I just simply can’t. If my sister gets engaged and I’m nursing a child during her out of state wedding, it’s on me to get ready for that. It’s on me to build a routine that helps my child develop independence long enough for me to spend the day away from the child. It’s on me to pump and have bottles available or a sitter that can bring me the baby at feeding times if they won’t take a bottle. None of that is the burden of the couple inviting me to their wedding, even if I’m the Maid of Honor. Not every parent will share this opinion or understand the boundary, but that doesn’t mean a couple can’t decide to have a child free wedding without guilt! My sister getting engaged when she does is not to spite me. Having a child doesn’t give me the automatic right to infringe on her dream wedding in the mountains far from where I live. There are of course extenuating circumstances, but ultimately, we have to work together! A parent dictating things to a couple has lost sight of their own strengths and abilities, and a couple dictating things to a parent is operating through a lens they have not yet seen through.
